dkpope

Issue #44

Last Update March 2, 2006

International Editor Throws Yarmulka into the Ring by David Katz April 15, 2005 The death of Pope John Paul II has inspired much commentary on the events and accomplishments of his reign. He is given credit for inspiring and supporting Eastern Europe's break from communism, and for reaching out to other religions, in some cases apologizing for past actions and teachings of the Catholic Church. He is criticized for leading a reaction to John XXII's Vatican Council, closing some of the doors to modernity that the Council opened, appointing conservative bishops and Cardinals and recentralizing the Church's administration and policy-making. For Europe and America, his greatest failure is seen as a refusal to act openly in the matter of priestly pedophilia, preferring to protect the bishops and priests involved rather than protect his flock at the risk of scandal. With his burial, attention has turned the matter of his successor. For the good of the Church, I recommend that the Papacy return to its roots.

In the event that the conclave is deadlocked, I offer myself as a compromise candidate for Pope. It is a suggestion that makes sense on a number of grounds. First. I am beholden to no faction, so I would truly be a compromise candidate. Second, it would reaffirm a position held by John Paul II himself: the image of the apostles as models for priests, bishops and Cardinals. In his refusal to countenance the ordination of women, John Paul spoke of Church tradition, and that (pace The DaVinci Code) all of the apostles were men, and therefore women are disqualified from holy orders. However, none of the apostles were goyim, either. It is time the Church returned to its beginnings, a Jewish priesthood led by a Jewish Pope, as Christ's appointment of Peter indicated.

It is true that my election would be controversial. Those elements of the Church hierarchy that John Paul was not able to educate out of their antisemitism, few though they may be, would resent a Jewish Pope. African and South American clergy, a growing power in the new Church, would be unhappy with an American Pope. Conservative American Christians, and the Catholics among them, would be unhappy with a Democrat Pope. Nevertheless, I have a head start at performing well as Pontiff. My friends would agree that I am already infallible; at least, Peter Salus and I are.

All that remains is selecting a reign name. Pius would be inappropriate. Innocent would be sardonic. David has never been used, but sounds wrong, somehow. Sixtus VI is nice timing (Sixtus V must have been very confusing), but I'll pass it up. A city kid born and raised in New York, I guess I'd go with the tried and true Urban. (Would a Pope from Westchester name himself Suburban, I wonder?) Urban VIII was Galileo's Pope. Urban IX has a ring to it. If elected, Urban IX it is.